I’m skimming my notes on an occupied thursday afternoon. the date is march 12th 2020. before anything else, I’m just a juggling nursing student on her sophomore year pre-pandemic.
a stethoscope around my neck and other stuffs I crammed into my pockets, I allowed myself a minute to set aside the things not ‘duty-related’ before I run another hourly monitor on patients. soon enough, the news reaches us announcing there’ll be a month-long quarantine impose in the city. my rotation that time was in the obstetrics ward. on a regular note, we would sign in after lunch and sign out when it’s already pass dinner. but that day, we clocked out earlier than usual. classes were suspended halfway through school hours.
the day before, my colleagues and I made plans to eat samgyupsal to treat ourselves and celebrate surviving another toxic duty. some of us even suggested to try night club for the first time. I gauge at the thought that those will not happen anytime soon. the only memory I hold was our night stroll to the nearest café when the tiresome shift forced us to call off the urgency of the world and buying milktea were the only thing that matter. small moments I wish I cherished more.
we put off our aprons, nurse caps and bid farewell to the patients and on-duty doctors and staffs.
nothing much happened the rest of the day, only that I slept better that night knowing I can make time contrary to the multitasking work I had to fit in one day to get things done.
and for that I was relieved. maybe relieved isn’t the right word. but it was somehow comforting to know I have time, a whole month head-start to get back to my phase considering a lot of backlogs and deadlines I had. perhaps fate knew I was in dire need to cut off some slack.
it is a privilege for me to say that in some way, the lockdown was a mere opportunity to set myself in motion before everything goes back to normal (even prayed I could resolve my attention span this time.)
the isolation was a hard pill we had to swallow, to let go of how things ought to be and forcefully embrace the “new normal” with open arms. something that will not sit well for the most of us.
on kübler-ross five stages of grief, the first stage is denial.
it was on the first week of April when remoted learning started, I remember myself saying: online class isn’t so bad. I just need some time to adjust. which I can attest holds true during that point.
I add up to the number of students who virtually protest for an academic break, calling out that studying is deemed worth desensitizing in the middle of a crisis. I was sharing the same sentiments for the majority, but it didn’t really feel like I was having a hard time.
believe me this is not something to brag. if not, I was just lucky something stayed from my past habits. in this existential dread we are in, having the will is also considered a luxury.
because I had the drive to do so, studying occur more of a moral responsibility in a nutshell and less of a passion and enthusiasm for my degree. on days when I feel demotivated, I feel like I had no right to be because it would mean wasting potential and letting down everyone who wished they had that same spark to move forward. of course, these are just conditions I set to seize the solitude.
eventually I then, too, started waking up early on top of everything else. I discovered my glory in mornings. feeling the peace and quiet while the city was still sleeping pushed me to do more.
in the invisible life of addie larue by v.e. schwab I’m currently reading said: “it was a thrill: to watch the day begin, to feel at least for a little while, like for once you’re being ahead instead of behind.” I took the lasting effect of that passage quite useful. from there I would do the most trivial things from my cross-out list: doing workout, drinking coffee and reading novel. I learned that my morning prompts doesn’t have to be anything challenging. I would just do what makes me feel more grateful and optimistic about the day ahead.
“you love solitude not until it’s forced.”
for some reason, I fell on a slump. or this is just what we expectedly knew would happen if you’ve been locked up and deprived of physical intimacy for so long.
the quarantine stretched out three times. before I know it, household chores gotten overwhelming, hobbies became procrastination and plans felt excessive. monotonous call of routines left me feeling extra drained. everything just kept being tentative, I was not getting simple tasks done like I used to.
when demarcation between work and home is getting hard to perceive, deadlines increase twofold with just complying to the demand, mental fatigue is often the result.
on kübler-ross five stages of grief, the first stage is denial. I realize all this time that I was in some particular agony deep down inside. a sort of unacceptance to process the reality that a part of our life has been irredeemably loss.
maybe that’s why I came up to an arbitrary stupid conclusion that doing all of these work for myself would create an answer. how always choosing to make out a lesson out of everything amid the chaos will result of a future— since the present was obscure.
I hold on to those meaning for as long as I could, and now they’re gradually slipping away.
making amends with frustration
slowly over the year of isolation, I redefine what productivity means to me. just like how darius foroux put it: productivity is a concept that’s widely misunderstood. the main reason is that we use the word productivity on a macro and micro scale. when we read it on the news, it’s automatically means an aggregate work output, it is the number one measure to define growth.
while productivity go acknowledge and applauded, there still perplexity on how we define productivity personally especially at a times like this that we work independently.
on my tumblr account going in an anniversary, weeks from now said; I cooked for lunch, done workout, watched birds of prey, finished lang leav’s sea of stranger and made dinner.
today I didn’t do workout, watch film or finish another poetry book. I didn’t work on the next “big thing” but I made lunch and dinner and take care of myself like I always do. I might have done other things that I don’t consider an achievement. I shift my perspective that filling my time with other ventures is also consider productive. I’m learning to work softer and listen to my body more often. to give myself permission to rest more without having to deserve it after I’ve done something rest-worthy.
while I say this to you, I spend a lot of time being reasonable with what I make out of this newsletter. like how we see on the internet nowadays “give yourself more time to rest.” I tell you right now how I am, too, in the process of learning to make amends with the frustration I feel within myself when I can’t yield results. I’m at a constant cycle of struggling and losing, in doing great and then feeling inadequate all over again.
visionary by 周小逸ian, from flickr.com
the front page of stagnation is often perceived tantamount to not thriving. even being in the verge of adversity we are still being expected to function in accordance to maintaining productivity. in school, in work and now, even at home. the irony that “home” acquired another concept besides being a place of stillness and comfort by putting “work” besides it.
as millennials, we’re always made to measure up to ridiculous standards the general public set for us. our ideal self is label unattainable to begin with. the pressures that come from the superficiality of social media to defeating the struggles of the older generation with a more subtle justified struggles and everything else. in retrospect, conditions created by the pandemic came in more ways than one that safety, mental state, and growth should come in package or every ounce of effort is disregarded.
there’s not a single day passed without a stimulation of senses for the healthcare community. the expectation in the near future pin down to us can be quite suffocating. there was a lot of turning points, a one step ahead and three steps back and yet, I am still here. always finding constancy in the littlest things everyday, to break the endless uproar of repetitive cycle no matter how difficult it might be.
while stagnation is the antithesis of growth, may we also find furtherance and breakthrough in abeyance where rest is just starting to be accepted as part of the necessary imperative in pursuit of true functionality.
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Omg! I'm screaming. Very well said👏 I also experienced that kind of situation. As a nursing student also, in this kind of pandemic, it is truely hard to cope up and adjust with the new normal that implemented world wide. Salute for this person!