last christmas of 2020, my boyfriend's present for me was marie lu's warcross, the first book i’ve read that year, only that it read on e-pub. and a thick grey sketchbook, the hardcover was noticeably kind of detached and worn off from the side for some reason, but manageable by covering it with some plastic cover. inside were sepia-colored pages that feels like renaissance and forever with its profound thickness. there are no lines or dots or anything at all, just a blank cartridge waiting to breathe life.
i thought of the possibilities i could make out of it can be quite thrilling, because that was the challenge, it could be anything. time swiftly passed, the notebook was still empty-handed, arranged, and settled along with my other books. there are no collected dust but the hardcover tip of the base was already kind of distorted from being in a constant upright position.
the emptiness of the sketchbook somehow stood for all the things that were still in the toggled list of my unlearning-learning process.
the pandemic itself did not allow me to at least cross out some of my bucket list, the plans, the getaways, the momentum that were laid out spontaneously for the previous years. i figured i must have achieved something or better yet, accomplished than just missed out bathing in suns, celebrations, and occasions.
there must be something i’ve made out of solitude, right?
the lockdown forced me to grow and break out of my comfort zone. in exchange, these are something i learned and unlearned in a year confined in solitude. if there’s anything i like to do, is to create a list like in alice in wonderland’s “six impossible things before breakfast” only that i only made three.
here are three things i reckoned in solitude:
redefining self-familiarity
on my 20th birthday, i just started to erase the substantial limitations in the four corners of my own solitude. in some way, i created an imaginary self-imposed backlog to challenge the dissatisfaction of my present self; how my life should be like now that i already outgrown my teenage phase. maybe it has to do with my age, because i was already in my 20's. the pattern of instant changes and achievement should follow accordingly. and sooner or later, i must keep up with the transmutation.
around the third week of january, i rewatched angus, thongs, and perfect snogging, which perfectly mirrors my teenage years and rekindles my huge crush on aaron-taylor johnson. it follows a story of georgia, a 14th year-old who encapsulated the ups and downs of a normal teenager like learning how to kiss, doing the pencil trick, wooing her (as she implies on the film) “sex-god” school heartthrob slash soon to be boyfriend, and planning out a huge party for her 15th birthday. it was a cinematic masterpiece.
what made it so endearing for me was the different phase that i watched this movie— when i was sixteen and now that i’m twenty-two. like georgia, i’ve gone through the same phase that cannot wait to be a grown-up, do reckless decisions, and put myself in embarrassing situation. in today’s pov, i am still very far from healing my inner child.
i mostly define self-familiarity out of comfort and cliché before, like living in my past life and watch my life move before me without a clear head space. now that i think i have sufficient experience to give justice to the entry, my only take away includes i am yet to fully know other parts of myself and this time, i’m willingly giving myself a chance to become the best i could be.
time is something that always felt like a sudden whiplash but at the same time slowly unfolds. the only thing that i can measure is the presence that comes with it that i can only know until then.
making room to sit with emotions
i’ve accounted for all the spirals of emotions i’ve felt since i hit puberty and a bad habit of suppressing them for unknown reasons (maybe it’s being the eldest daughter of an asian household kind-of-a-thing).
i bawl my eyes out when it just deserves to be sorrowful and cry when things already piled in the bones of my chest. i got a bad habit of intellectualizing my emotions so deeply that i understand— when it fact, it doesn’t need an in-depth analysis nor a justification. the way i viewed it before is that my emotions are sacred— even diane nguyen of bojack horseman can relate.
i learned to embrace and feel every emotions just because— including instant gratifications and grieve in whirlpool and high waves. i no longer need the invalidate the downpour sent my way, but learn to go through the storm.
i once, too believed the old gist that happiness solely exist as a goal or merit and not as part of wavering unpredictability of life. but as mahmoud darwish said, ‘and if happiness should surprise you again, do not mention its previous betrayal.
enter into the happiness, and burst.’
the ebbs and flow of emotions will come knocking at your door and you should only welcome it as visitors.
“time well-spent”
when i went to apply for a job, i considered a lot of pros and cons and among the biggest factor was the traffic jam across the metropolitan city. i’ve grown to know before that my time should be spent well by be at work or make it home within thirty minutes. the reason was simply “oh, i just don’t want to be stuck in traffic.” which of course comes with a certain privilege.
but the thing about a time well-spent, is do everything and doing what you can every day. it could be coming home to your mother’s home-cooked meals, doing a 10-minute walk to work, waking up a little early in the morning to make the bed, scribbling wobbly graffiti in the back of your journal and recognizing the serenity of the wet market in the early morning.
i realized sooner that i made the decision to be near my job so that i could come home without needing to be away from my family for the sake of work, to see my siblings or sometimes have a short-hearty talk with my mom before i head up to my room to rest. maybe what i meant to say about a time well-spent is a time spent on love and tenderness that i choose to give to the world. time well-spent to outdo the doer and spend more time on the little things that make my heart feel at ease.
i enjoyed the quarrel in the back of my mind, the solemn, and serenity. it’s time for me to bask in the summertime.
twenties can be like walking on eggshells. every decision can have a different turmoil. there’s so much i don’t know, but i figured that what’s important is that i don’t know but i might know it when i get there. right now, i’m here.
cheers to another orbit around the sun, self. you’re making your way to the universe and i hope you are proud.